Did the Child Lack Self-Regulation... or Lose Hope?

 

I recently read an excellent article on Substack arguing that self-regulation may be one of the strongest predictors of later success.

The evidence is impressive. Children who can manage their attention, emotions, and behaviour tend to do better not only in school but later in life as well. The discussion that followed was equally interesting. Teachers, parents, paraprofessionals, and executive-function coaches all shared their experiences. A recurring theme emerged: children thrive when adults help them gradually develop the ability to regulate themselves.

 

I agree. But the discussion left me with a question.

 

What happens when a child repeatedly experiences failure despite effort?

If success strengthens self-regulation, confidence, and persistence, then repeated failure may weaken them.

Over the years I have worked with many struggling readers. Some were undoubtedly impulsive, inattentive, or prone to frustration. But many others were something quite different.

They were intelligent.

They were curious.

They asked thoughtful questions.

They could spend hours talking about football, animals, history, computer games, cars, or topics that interested them.

Yet when it came to reading, something had changed. There was a puzzle.

These children were anything but incurious. They called me Uncle Luqman and peppered me with questions. Why is there a "gh" in night? Why does was not sound like gas? Why is was not spelled wos?

Their questions were so insightful that some eventually found their way into my books.

The problem was not a lack of curiosity.

The problem was that many had already disengaged from reading in the classroom. They had learned that asking questions publicly often advertised to the class that they were struggling.

Silence is sometimes mistaken for a lack of interest. In these children, it was often something very different.

 

At first glance, this might look like a self-regulation problem.

But was it?

Or was it the result of repeated failure?

Imagine a child who tries to read, struggles, asks for help, tries again, and still cannot make sense of what is happening. Weeks become months. Months become years.

How long before that child begins to doubt that effort will make any difference?

How long before persistence turns into withdrawal?

Many discussions about education focus on the children who continue trying despite difficulty. I am interested in another group: intelligent children who gradually disengage.

The child who once asked questions but now remains silent.

The child who appears inattentive during reading lessons but can concentrate intensely elsewhere.

The child who has not lost intelligence but has lost confidence.

The child who has not stopped thinking but has stopped believing.

These children may be misinterpreted.

From the outside, they can look unmotivated. They can appear lazy. They can seem unwilling to persist.

Yet their behaviour may be telling a different story.

 

Perhaps the issue is not that they lack self-regulation.

Perhaps they have reached the point where they no longer believe that self-regulation will be rewarded with success.

This distinction matters.

A child who lacks self-regulation needs support learning to persist.

A child who has lost hope needs something different.

They need success.

They need to experience that effort can lead to progress.

They need to discover that reading is not something other children can do but they cannot.

When that happens, something remarkable often follows. The questions return. The curiosity returns. The persistence returns.

In other words, what appears to be a self-regulation problem may sometimes be the consequence of repeated failure rather than its cause.

The self-regulation literature asks an important question:

Why do some children succeed?

I would add another:

What happens to intelligent, curious children who stop believing that success is possible?

That, in my experience, is a conversation worth having.